Self-care isn't just about time for me, its also about time for me with Daddy. Time for me and Daddy is enjoying our coffee whenever we can. We talk, we remember and we contemplate life. I love that about us. My self-care is making sure I have that time for us. I like to have that not just once in a while but each day. Although the photo is of a coffee, the self care is about the conversations we have. Being able to voice and talk about things rather than feel we have to carry the burden, any burden on our own.
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Since losing Annabelle, my relationship with people in general has changed. For some people, I have more empathy and for others, no time. I'd like to say its a selfless thing, the empathy. The grief has made me more aware of other people's journeys and so I try to be more understanding. However, there are people I have no time for and I think that has a more selfish twist to it. It has to do with their relationship with Annabelle or what I perceive is their relationship with her - what they have shown or told me. I have all the time in the world and have a continued relationship with those people who remember Annabelle, who listened to me talk of Annabelle and those who were there for me at, I guess, in "my time of need". They didn't fade away over the two years and have been almost a constant through this time. Grief has also made me cherish those people much more and of course, Daddy and Jema.
When Annabelle and BabySo's little sister took her first breath, I stopped holding mine. This is Jema in her first few hours of life. Now in her first few months of life, I've learnt to breathe again. There are still moments where I hold my breathe and anxiety takes over but they're much more fleeting than before. Breathe.
Been hard to continue Capture Your Grief, so this is a wee bit late... Better late than never I guess :)
As part of pregnancy and infant loss awareness month, there was a few auctions going on to raise money and awareness for various organisations. These are two I got involved in - SANDS and Yasminah's Gift of Hope. Got these items in order to give them support for their worthy causes. Will probably end up giving these to others who I know will love them. Today's topic is interesting and the picture reflects "Explore" on many different levels. Being able to retreat yesterday gave me a chance to reflect on this month. I'm exhausted. This year is the first year I have actually thought of abandoning CaptureYourGrief and taking a step back. One of the thoughts I had was, "wow, it has only been 15 days of this!" and I think part of it, is that I've put it all out there. I haven't done that in previous years, I've been too broken for that. This year I thought I was stronger and I guess I am but it is still tough going.
Carly's prompts for today are really thought provoking and clearly that's the point as we explore our grief. This whole month has been an exploration not just today. Since losing Annabelle, I think it has really been about exploring life and seeing what "this grief" thing is about and what it all means in my life. Given my profession, I have always tried to practice what I preach ("tried" being the key word!) and so I have sat down and paid attention to my thoughts and where they are. So that part of me, exploring my thoughts hasn't changed. I've never been one to just plod along with life anyway. I'm always wanting to know what more can I do? What else is there to life? Exploring it like a child discovering their world for the first time. I believe grief and healing co-exist, my picture says it all. Jema has been part of my healing but I still grieve for the child that isn't with us. I'm not sure where I want to go next with my journey of grief and healing. I'm not even sure you'll find me here again tomorrow. All I know is that I have been forever changed by this all and it is not necessarily all bad. I know I get more emotional when I hear the death of innocent children and of unimaginable losses people have but I also rejoice much more fully when I hear great things happening and wonderful things people do. I try not to dwell on the negatives and try to focus on those things that are helpful to me. Despite having had the most tragic thing to ever happen to a parent, happen in our lives, I still want to make my life the most beautiful and loved life I can. I don't want to wait till tomorrow and I want to enjoy each precious moment, especially with the beautiful baby girl, I do have here on earth. I am ever so grateful for these two people in my life. Today we visited the Granny Smith Festival. I have been waiting a while to bring a little one to this community event as it reminds of when I was a kid and enjoyed them so much! Taking time out from social media for the next 24 hours. Time for me. #CaptureYourGrief #WhatHealsYourHeart #ForAnnabelle #ForBabySo A day to remember and a day for awareness. I light candles in memory of Annabelle Catalina and BabySo. I hope this day helps the greater community become aware that the community of grieving parents are wanting understanding and acknowledgement of their loss. I hope today brings comfort to those parents who are struggling with their grief and see that this community cares and remembers their babies too.
Grief puts things in perspective. It helps you see what's important and what's a priority in life and what you can do away with. It reminds you that life can be both happy and sad and that's what life is about as it makes you appreciate everything so much more.
My eyes have opened to such beautiful gifts that were given to us. Annabelle, BabySo and Jema are the beautiful miracles that we have received and I cherish the fact they have and will be in our lives. My answer for the last two years has been winter as that is when Annabelle was born, and when we remember BabySo. I realise though that every season has some meaning and this year I choose spring. It's the only season where neither baby has been here. Spring represents new life and in relation to Annabelle and BabySo, it represents something missing and that should be but isn't.
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Mummy's Memories Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief Project
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