I'm hoping to capture this year how Annabelle has changed our perspective and the way we live our lives. Check out Mummy's Memories for all the posts. #CaptureYourGrief #WhatHealsYou #ForAnnabelle #Love #Hope #Family #Memories #PersonalGrowth #MyJourney #Compassion
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It is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month and so it is that time where I participate in Capture Your Grief. I did not manage to catch the sunrise this morning.. maybe tomorrow...
I'm still not 100% sure that I'll be actually publicly participating in this as it was mentally exhausting last year when I really reflected on this grief journey. I ended up abandoning it half way through... I actually really like the subjects this year, I think it is very reflective and different from the last 3 years in some ways. I may just blog here rather than put this on social media ...let's see how this month goes... My sunrise would have been in Australia...By the end of the month, we'll be in a whole different country... I know that although I may not do this, that Annabelle is not far from my mind. Ever. Happy 3rd Heavenly Birthday to our Beautiful Annabelle Catalina
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)i am never without it(anywhere i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling) i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true) and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart) Poem By E.E. Cummings For the last two years, I have been part of this beautiful project to help in my healing and exploring the grief of losing Annabelle and BabySo.
This year will be an interesting journey with Jema here. The grief morphing and changing. I never thought it would disappear as my love for Annabelle and BabySo hasn't disappeared. It's kind of like being able to spend some time being near them as I think and reflect on this journey and that's probably why I'm looking forward to participating once again. I'll be posting my days on Mummy's memories and you can see what I've done for past the past two years. I'll also be on Instagram and Twitter. Hope you'll join me in this journey. Here's the link to Carly Marie's website explaining the Capture Your Grief project http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2014/09/capture-your-grief-2014.html I just cannot believe it has now been over two years since we lost our first born...I would never ever have imagined the life we now lead but I wouldn't change a thing. Losing our baby girl was the most hardest thing that has ever happened in our lives. It has however, changed our perspective on life and how we see things. Our appreciation of things is so very different.
It has been two years but it feels like yesterday that I held Annabelle in my arms for that briefest moment. I will continue her story in due time... For now, I reflect on the fact that Annabelle is an "Ate", a big sister to a sibling here on earth. Jema Isabelle was born last month and I could not bring myself to even write about the fact I was pregnant with my "Rainbow Baby" in case that rainbow never eventuates.... Our love for Jema is just immeasurable and her presence in our lives has brought much joy and happiness....However, we do think of Annabelle often, looking into Jema's eyes and seeing, looking at Jema and searching for her older sister's features... I will be telling Jema all about Annabelle in the form of letters that I have started writing and will give these to her one day when she is older and able to understand. I want her to know her sister and how are lives changed because of Annabelle... On social media, this is how I shared Jema's birth... "Not everyone gets their #rainbowbaby and so I feel absolutely blessed, grateful and overjoyed that Annabelle's sister, Jema Isabelle arrived safely. A 'rainbow baby' is a baby born following the loss of another baby - an 'angel baby'. The theory being that the beauty of the rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm, nor does it mean the storm or devastation never happened. It also does not mean that we are not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has emerged in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of colour, energy and hope." #rainbowbaby #jema #jemaisabelle #isntshelovely #annabellessister #hope #love #breatheagain #pregnancyafterloss #angelsibling #childloss #griefandloss #PAILawareness #parentingafterloss #lifelonglove #remember Annabelle's 2nd birthday was on the 10 August. That day we visited her at her resting place and read her the following...
To our dearest Annabelle, Today would have been your 2nd birthday. Two years have passed but I don't miss you any less. If anything, I almost miss you more. Your little sister, Jema was born last month and I can only imagine how you would be as a toddler running around while we welcomed Jema into our world. People look at her and say she looks like daddy and some say she looks like mummy. When I first saw Jema, I thought she didn't look anything like you but over the first week, I could see you sharing the same features. Your lips, your eyebrows, your noses. Jema looks like you. You are sisters after all. Thank you baby girl for watching over us and over Jema. We love you and miss you ever so much and although Jema is here, it doesn't mean we don't think of you. In fact, we think of you more often. Every cry and nappy change is something we don't take for granted. We never got to hear you cry or change your nappy. We appreciate more that Jema is here than I think we would have, all because of you Annabelle. Happy heavenly 2nd birthday. Looking forward to seeing you when we meet again in heaven. On social media, this is what I shared with others... "Two years ago we welcomed you into the world as our first born daughter, Annabelle Catalina. There is not one day that passes that we do not think of you and what could have been. No matter how many siblings you have here on earth, your place in our family will always be remembered. Happy heavenly 2nd Birthday, Annabelle. Love Mummy, Daddy and Jema." 'Death leaves a heartache, no one can heal. Love leaves a memory, no one can steal' (From a Headstone in Ireland) One year ago, I had a miscarriage. We named that baby, BabySo. I was 12 weeks pregnant. At a routine obstetrician check the week before, we found out that we had lost the baby. For some it may seem like “just a miscarriage” and I have to say, in the past, I even said that to myself. An early miscarriage usually means that there was something not quite right – kind of like, natural selection. Small comfort to those who long for a baby. As for many parents, a miscarriage is not just a miscarriage. It is a heartbreaking event and although it happens often, it can be so very difficult. Some may have just the one and others have multiple miscarriages after years of trying to have children or even if they already have children, it can still be just as devastating. Hopes and dreams for that baby also die.
Miscarriage matters. If you have had one and had not been able to reach out and talk to someone about it, do it now, even if it has been many years…. In Australia, check out Bears of Hope or Sids and Kids for bereavement support. In honour of BabySo, we have decided to sponsor a little girl in South America whose birthday is 11 Aug 2012 (born a day after Annabelle was). Hopefully, our loss of BabySo is able to make a change in this little girl’s life and her community. “Each new life, no matter how brief, forever changes the world” (Unknown) Daddy and I are about to start another part of our lives and despite the hope and love that fills my heart, I still can not bring myself to write down exactly what is happening right now until it all becomes a reality. Initially, I wanted to finish Annabelle's story as soon as I could before we did start this new part of our lives, simply because I thought I needed to do it. I realise that I will never ever forget Annabelle's story and for my own sanity and peace of mind, I have decided to wait a while before I do continue it. In the meantime, in memory of Annabelle and BabySo, below is a gallery of images that CarlyMarie has beautifully made in memory of our babies in honour of her son, Christian. If you want some made for your baby, go to the Seashore of Remembrance website. It has been a very long time since I've been here. A very long time.
The whole reason I started this website was to remember our little girl. Life has been busy and I guess, the hard part of the story is to come, which makes it difficult for me to write it down without _a lot_ of tears... BUT I do want to continue, so watch this space... I ordered this last week and only just received it about five minutes ago but I had to share this straight away! It was made with Annabelle's actual footprints!
The mother that made it also lost a child and has a memorial site for all the ones she has made. If you have lost a child and would like one too, check out her website at www.butterflyfootprints.com. |
Mummy's Journey is my story of when I was pregnant with Annabelle and my ramblings on grief, love and where I'm at now...
AuthorMy daughter was stillborn and her name was Annabelle Catalina. This is my journey as a grieving mum. Feel free to comment or email me at annabellesmum_at_ Archives
September 2015
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